setting some goals

What does one write when there is no overwhelming emotion?
When used just as an outlet and the intake ceases the outcome is nothing... well nothing interesting.

Okay!
So I am going to set some goals. In order to become more well rounded by means of exercising more,writing more,reading less fluff...

I want to provoke my mind into thought where the fluff just collects in my head laying my ambitions to rest in an early grave.

It also feels much better when I am creating things myself.

Goal:
1.) Write more poetry
2.) Read thought provoking stuff [including the bible]
3.) No more procrastination
4.) Way less on the fluff (t.v., movies, fantasy novels, manga) intake.
5.) Exercise
6.) Stop holing myself up in my room

That is all for now

Reflecting on the Holidays

So… These three months have been a pretty interesting experience. I enjoyed myself most of the time and I stretched a lot of my boundaries. But the stretching of my boundaries in some areas may have not been the best thing. In others I believe it is good. As with most times in life, I am different now but entirely still the same. I took risks, not necessarily the safest thing to do. Regardless I trusted God would keep me safe. Met up with people I hadn’t met before, had fun, took terribly long bus rides, went to school with Sue and so on. I really did enjoy getting to know my cousins again and meet ones I didn’t know I had. Though most of them were younger than me so there was only a certain extent we could connect on, being that my focuses in life have been irrevocably changed from that of a 12 year old. Seven years make a world of a difference when your younger than 20. It’s fascinating the stages of development and human interaction we humans go through.
Movies emotionally disturb me sometimes. I just don’t like to watch people in misery, it’s painful!

People definitely influence my decisions… If I weren’t around so many people saying that it is okay then I probably wouldn’t have caved so quickly on my convictions. I remember they were previously so strong. It makes me doubt myself, will I fall short of my current standards rules of living? But I remember I held doubt on my previous convictions before I changed them, my current ones I do not. Does that make sense? Probably not. I am intentionally vague. My goal is to make you unknowing of what I am exactly talking about with that hope that this abstraction connects somewhere to an aspect of your life. I seek to find knowledge and understanding above all. This takes time and experience. I have experienced more than before but never everything. Never everything, indeed.

Trying to figure out others behaviours

I'm beginning to realise that I've come to a stage in my life where I'm slowly beginning to understand people a little bit more. From this I have found that people are the same, no matter what age they are. They still feel the same pain and hurt causing them to lash out the same ways. As we get older we just get better at hiding the true source of our outbursts. Though I may not adequately be describing this realisation, it has helped me greatly to not get as hurt by people and the offsetting things they do.
Many of the times I perceive someone to be angry at me it is most likely that there is something else going on that I don't know about causing their emotions that also has put a filter over their input and output. Once I get to a place where I can take a step back away from my initial reaction to bite back in an offence to their perceived onslaught I can therefore become capable of seeing them as a person in need. Or at least realise that there is something else going on. Then the choice becomes to ask them about it in hopes of better understanding and possibly helping the person, or to just leave it, but no longer take it personally as you realise that the world doesn't revolve around you therefore you are never the sole source of someone else's irritation.
The ability to irritate someone must have some basis on their own internal functioning. If another person were somehow perfect there would be no way to irritate, or hurt them past physical pain. By irritate I mean the simplest meaning of the word as in annoyance and also another meaning for this: to cause emotional turmoil. What you are doing to the other person may not be right, but if they were a mentally and emotionally healthy person (and again, somehow perfect- without any dysfunction) your actions would be incapable of irritating them. They may cause the other person to take action to better the situation but they wouldn't hold it inside and let it dictate their actions toward irrelevant company in a detrimental manner.
What I'm trying to say is we can never take other peoples actions to heart when they have let something else so focus their attention that it affects their behaviour to everyone else in a bad way, because even though while they are being short and grumpy with you making you feel slighted, annoyed and quite possibly very hurt they have just let some last straw action overtake their demeanour. This final action may possibly have little correlation to the source. Quite possibly some fear or disappointment.
I'll leave this thought at that for now, because it is late and I am tired. Now for a...
Disclaimer: (how I hypocritically dislike disclaimers people put on their work)
This thought/writing may not be very accurate... but I am still trying to decipher the world around me and at the same time learn how to adequately verbalize/write my thoughts in a coherent manner. My hope is that no matter how many times I do less that desirable, (aka don't succeed) I will eventually get to a place where I have developed, tried enough to have a nice success rate. Something along that line...

Photograph

"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."

If I could ascribe some sort of meaning to each object that I own... Some of them would be quite a stretch, some of them wouldn't be stretching in the least. This... This object would stand for __insert person here__. A tangible representation of <'s> concern that I do not have enough. This concern, I fear is just a front. For some things in life <_> would rather not confront. That obtaining more objects lulls <_> into a sense of security. Ownership... Well my sentiment is rather nicely wrapped up and presented by a certain book out there. Although I do not feel quite as caustic and pessimistic about it as the character in the book. This quote shall still serve my purposes well:

"You buy furniture, you tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. buy the sofa, then for a couple of years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled, then the right set of dishes, then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug.
Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things that you used to own, now they own you."

(now to continue with an ambiguous "you" as if I were speaking directly to un-said person)
It keeps going on and on. Continuous findings of a lack in your life that only acquiring and owning new items could fix. Of course you think I share this need for items to satisfy me. But I do not. I would be completely fine with dressing in shambles if that were all that I owned. All these things you find, I fear will some day bury you. Topple over and leave you helpless, as they... Someday reveal their true power, that they have come to own you.

I exaggerate. Driven by this feeling of distaste. That there is issued complaints of a lack of money, yet I see you continuing to spend. There is no rationality. Sure you bargain and "save", but wouldn't the saving be greater if you didn't spend anything at all?
I do appreciate everything you have spent the time to get for me, truly. I just wish there was no leavings of that bitter taste that I must keep in mind of your bad habits. Addiction? The fact of it benefiting me, doesn't make it all that much sweeter. It is perhaps a minor thing, no big deal in all reality. I just see the strain it causes once in a while. Maybe it has just become the final straw of a issue that lays deeper as a hot spring underwater, waiting for the right outlet to let it burst forth.
I wish I could truly dissect the behavior of another. But I fear in truth my assumptions or reasoned attempts at making sense of another person's behavior will never come near the mark of reality.
Though I continue to try, as I continue to try many other pursuits. There is no other way to get better at something but to continue trying past many failed attempts.

I hope

I hope that you do not mistake me for a disheartened, distressed person. It is just that despair --as it turns out-- is a pretty good impetus for writing! The rest of the time I'm in a la-la roll through life mood that doesn't amount to much writing.
Though I would like to get to a stage in life where I have enough... diligence to push myself to write even when I'm not in a bad place. It's good to cultivate oneself as a well rounded person I'd say!

Nightlife?

I’m rather conflicted again. There is this strange achy feeling inside of me. Things are beginning to seem pointless again. I mean I’m halfway across the planet from where I usually am, and nothing is different. I suppose that saying that running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything is quite true. For they mainly stem from yourself and you are always with you at what-ever new place you find yourself. Though I never really thought it wasn’t true. One of the few reasons I was anxious about coming here was that I knew it could easily become a failed attempt to escape. Although a few external causes of strife in my life are no longer part of the equation, but maybe if I had myself sorted out then the external things would have been no trouble at all. Well they’ll be reintegrated into my life again shortly after I return.
So, people care about you. Sure they even, “really” care about you. But how much does that even mean? They can’t stand by you and hold your hand day in and day out. Be there every time you stumble and crumble down. I keep trying to find things to satisfy this hunger inside of me. But nothing is really adequate. Sure I miss my friends. We’ve spent enough time together that we have this easy rapport. It is just plain enjoyable to spend time with them, yet not always. Too much time and someone’s nerve will get grated. That’s fixed easily enough with a little time spent apart, surfacing for a breather. Though there still remains this loneliness, it underlies in my life. Only when I stop to take a moment do I truly recognize it. It is so easy to just shove it under the rug and continue on, fall into a routine that I can fall back on. It makes me want to scream. I feel so apathetic. A cold being that does not feel with any vigor. The life has been drained unceasingly from my pores, until I am a pathetic black and white being.
Each time I’ve been to church lately (and that may have been a couple times this week already) I keep hearing similar messages. It may not actually be entirely what they are saying, but it is how my brain is processing it and relaying that information to me. The first message I remember was to “choose your friends wisely” there are different categories of friends as well: mentors, intimate friends, and then that large group of people you are friendly with. This is not the message that my brain has been pounding me with! But It thought I would throw it in here for good measure. THE MESSAGE: it’s mainly about not relying on the church to be my main time for connecting with God. Well I’ve known this point for ages (years ever), but I’ve never gotten to any good stage of fruition with this feat. I hear talk of cultivating a secret place with God in order to connect with God outside of church. No one ever really explains what the secret place is. I suppose it looks different for each person, because we are all unique beings that require different things to be satisfied by God. Just, couldn’t there be some general outline? Is seems to be a paradox of simplicity and complexity that I cannot figure out. Maybe I’m not even meant to figure it out, just to begin to whole heartedly pursue the one who does have it figured out. There needs to be some breaking point in my life, I’m sure! Sometimes it just feels like the time has come and the time is now to act. It feels so right… so, why can’t that be now? Maybe it isn’t a matter of waiting for the right timing, but to act now and wade through waist deep marsh if need be. To go the distance, whatever it takes.
I still feel like I am waiting. Waiting for life to being, but it has already. Hasn’t it? Doesn’t that mean I’m getting let behind?
Am I but a lonely question written on a piece of parchment trapped in a bottle that nobody will ever find? Just as lost out to sea as the one who wrote me down.

Far off in the distance...

Sometimes reading gets me in this melancholy mood. Though it is not exactly melancholy... Thoughtful somehow. That life is so simple and yet we make it complex, then --like untangling an old necklace-- it is made simple again. But somehow the simplification of life is like an end. Death to purpose, introduction of ritual. Routine that is the mechanical running through of life, until the day you die.

I suppose I get like this once in a while. Sucked into the mechanisms people use to get by, where it ceases to satisfy my mind and being. I am forlorn and lost as I let go of routine to free fall into the unknown. But I have yet to give up truly, there remains that ledge below the known that I grip onto, pull myself back up into standing and remain. Lost. Wanting to let go of everything, but unsure, uncertain, and afraid of what comes next. What doesn't happen as I wait. Till I give up and climb back into my old doings.

I'm vaguely speaking about God and me you see. I get sucked into the worlds way of doing things and it manages to sedate my souls cries for a time being. Until, as with the nature of earthly things, the effectiveness of my temporary fix crumples and deteriorates into dust. I awake as from a stupor to the realization I am stationed here with nothing in my hands, the last of my surroundings blown away making trails in the wind. This fake meaning I stood to shelter behind has me left bare, with no one there. Nothing to show. It is not truly as desperate a situation as this, but I may feel it so. I have not given God my everything, and as a result I have nothing. This leads me on a short lived journey to give it all to him. But I cannot do this on my own, which I inconveniently forget. Else-wise I do remember, but am I to hasty to call my handing over of my giving it all a failure? It seems to confusing. Lets just say I try for a while and then give up when I cannot see results. This is incredibly hastened quite possibly by the fact I am trying not to do something versus the more powerful replacing the [:undesirable action:] with another. My problem therefore becomes, what is the action(s) of which I should replace my current habits?

Out of time

I was thinking --or was it feeling-- I am not yet of the adult world yet I am at the same time. Just as I am no-longer a child, yet some of their rules still apply. In the eyes of others I may never grow out of the roles that I am held into with a fervor. Does it make you feel safe to let me know my place? If that is so, I can concede to your will and peace of mind, except for where it constrains and binds me past my boundaries. So, sometimes I am lumped into consideration with those younger than me while higher expectations of responsibility are placed upon me. These things I understand, eventually the weight of the responses from an individual is removed from the parents to be shouldered by the grown child. (This does not mean there is no room to rely on others.) Yet some things of childhood one never looses, the unknowing uncertainties as to what is right and what is wrong, as you continue disentangling a perceived gray zone into its separate white and black particulates. In some ways we always remain children, small and unknowing. The more the specifics become clear a conclusion is come to that the world is much more larger that that, as if you were focused on clearing a small patch of leaves on the ground only to look up once you are done and realize there is a whole dense forest surrounding you.

Anyway, despite some of the potentially dis-likable portions of childhood remain, some loose the charms of childhood. That beguiling innocence, passion for life, a singular focus on the here and now. The introduction of abstraction --beautiful as it is-- is a double edged sword as it can lead to distraction....

I suppose I may as well come to this. Rules, or something like that.
Here is one: Everything in moderation.
It may be overused by some, but I do think it holds truth to it. Too much of anything but God can lead to destruction. Destruction of what you may ask, well that depends on the thing. In simpler cases too much eating with destroy your health and quite possibly your self image. Too much watching of television and other sources of mindless entertainment eats away the hours and your mind... and so forth.

Just breathing, not sighing

"Maybe I am just a few years too young, waiting for a future yet to come"

I clearly cannot communicate as well as I had hoped. Well, at least when what I deem my clear communications are not nearly as effective as I had hoped. The question is, can the second party understand that my reaction... Well can they see past the little thing that made me react and realise it goes a little deeper than that?
Perhaps I am not clear with boundaries that would have prevented such a situation. But what can I do? I feel like while you (dearly beloved anonymous you) gets to be upset, react badly, viciously -not quite so much vicious as self protective like a porcupine extending its quills to protect itself from an estimated threat-, and I am to forgive and forget willingly without the same courtesy extended toward myself.
Perhaps this is all just self defeating talk. I have rarely seen the occasion to loose control that I visibly cause harm to allow you the chance to treat me graciously too. Or all the times I have undoubtedly hurt you without any intention or knowledge.
It is just supremely frustrating. I throw a bit of cake at you out of frustration and you run away. No opportunity for reconciliation, I decided to stop chasing you long ago. It is too hard. Am I harsh? I do not know. But I am not God, and he is undoubtedly the only one who can chase us for as long as necessary without tiring.
Maybe I need to go to communication school. Ha!
Well what people keep saying is phrase it all about yourself, putting no blame on the other person. When you ____ I feel____ because I am _____. Something like that?

Anyway, goodnight. :o rawr. I'll be a lion tomorrow, just don't worry about it.

Rambling a little

I will soon experience three months without a phone
Two months without the family I have lived with the last 18 soon to be 19 years
Three months with the family I spent 7 years of my life local too
Away from all these blossoming connections I see around me
But then that may be my imagination
Things are often good at the beginning
The "honey-moon" stage of any situation then reality sets in and effort, determination, work... is required
Its not just simple cruising, (that ellusive it) becomes explicit choosing

I dislike following trends, but some cannot be helped
like the saying of "just do it" like those nike shoes
~on a tangent, what is with how things are named everwhere? Brand names that express power mustang, nike (a god), saturn... and so forth. But then that is only some areas.~
So! Back to the main point (of this current paragraph I suppose)
Point:
Whether you have the determination to power it. Some sort of inspiration to get you by or you are waiting filled with excuses as to justify your in-action. Do the things you like anyway! By these things... I mean whatever you have found to fill you with that feeling of purpose, whether it be trailing your paint brush across a canvas, knees to the ground as you see to your plants or running. Do those things. Even when it isn't easy, even when you feel like crap, even when your at the top of the world feeling no need for validation. I like to have my own addition, of "no regrets" to the "just do it." You are far more likely to regret what you don't do than what you do end up doing. Being honest with yourself and others it makes things much easier. Though I still constantly test the unclear waters of moderation. Limitations and limits that make me uncertain as to the questions of proceeding...

I am still here.

Questions of who I am to be, not really... I don't know.
Realizations of parallels between my life and those around me, we feel the same irrational fear.
The decision to invest in the vibrancy of life and the difficulties of truly getting to that end.
Past apathy that swamps my being.
Desire to do with nothing to hold onto, sinking.
Can getting away fix anything?

Nighttime is my friend, in the silence of seclusion I find myself.
The television blares its insescent noise that demands my ears.
People flare around me demanding my eyes.
My mind preoccupies with nothing in particular.
Daylight puts my mind on edge.
All the untruths and anomalies blur together and are easily gone over in the dark of night.

Some people make me stand off. Some sort of fear of rejection comes into play that makes me step away. If I don't try to be their friend and act on this highly imaginary mutual agreement to not try to know each other as we simply coexist it wont bother me that you already care more about them. That I am an unimportant afterthought in your alltime lifetime. I feel the need to explain away this possibly imagined behavior... Stupid. There is this need to feel important, at the center of something. That I was made for my yet undiscovered greatness. Someday It will come to me in a snap... I believe it must take preparation, before it comes upon you. If you are not ready for a small task how can you be anymore ready for a large task?

Now I feel like I am somewhat rambling...
It is bothersome how you can learn something that just fits to whatever moment you are going through and then you try to explain it to someone else, and it just fails to come out right like it isn't yours to give away so you cannot. But then how do you make someone else's revelation your own? Truly come to that conclusion in your own unclean wanderings and ponderings? Some sort of "meditation" on their information? What if it isn't as real as you first thought it was? Maybe pondering on it will give you the truth of the matter, finding flaws and taking the time to refine the information so you can mold it to your being...

-breathe-

-fewwwfff-

okay.

Offense or hurt, unforgiveness makes it hard to act without prejudice to people. I realise this now, that I still hold things against you (ambiguous you not specific). It makes me take a step back, helps some things come more clearly to me. But it also adds an edge of a tone on my actions. I can't help but poke at you, put you down in hopes that it will validate my on looking down upon you. Because I want to see you as less than me because it makes whatever you did wrong to me less... Something.

Gah.
Calling it quits now.

Its pretty late...

Revisiting some old friends with a new mindset put me in a mood. I learned way more than was expected in the simplest of ways, who would have ever thought you could just ask and find out the answer to all your fragmented wonderings about things that seemed just a little bit “off.” The answer in itself is a little off too, but who am I in my ~great understanding of the world~ (note: sarcasm) to question things that don’t fit into my own perfect paradigm. I feel knocked a little of kilter. Perhaps not in the best of ways, but this can be potentially used to my advantage. This out of sync Kathryn needs not return to my secluded shelter seeking self. There is no requirement either that I lay bare my soul to the rest of the world, but a little inclusion-generating emotion-sharing isn’t out of the question.

Aside- Some phrases and expressions seem a little odd to me. I was trying to figure out something that fit the end of that sentence, I had a loose feeling that the words I was looking for weren’t far. First it came to me as “out of the equation,” and then I remembered it was “out of the question.” Does that mean that this little concession I make is not something that an implicit question excludes? I am uncertain, but the meaning is thought to be understood. So I leave it as is because I am not a wizard of extraordinary undiscovered expressions of parallel meanings.

Does everyone feel alone? To what degree… To what extent do they seek unsatisfying things to temporarily alleviate a pain that they hardly recognize for the numbing actions they have force fed this aching hunger of emptiness. Do you stick to one person to make it simple for yourself and hope an unnamed they will find someone else to commune with where you feel so woefully out of sync with their self-satisfied lifestyle? I may be over exaggerating just a little bit. I still have notice truly I am not the only one that feels alone, unrecognized, unimportant and an unending list of these similar things. Just because I now recognize that, does not make me any less inadequate to fulfill this need in others.

Well now.

I can't write poetry right now. Maybe soon again...
I've been living in a state of enforced busyness. Probably to avoid having to deal with the people around me, flaring emotions I realize exist but I do not know how to respond to. I'm getting better at understanding other people, but it's not yet that satisfactory "enough" that it will -in all reality- never be. So the task at hand is to start living a different way, not by refusing to do the pointless things that I seek to fill my time, but replacing it with other things. I tried the first way, and I managed to not do for a bit, but that wasn't enough there was this resounding nothing whenever I paused for a moment. The nothing pleaded to be filled, as I had nothing for it I simply fell back into old habitual motions... SO! This time my self uprising will seek to create an alternate society of me until the entire me can do nothing but follow along or diminish into oblivion.
~k

Random phrases then some sense

Dripping with sarcasm, that’s where you will be once you come running back to me…
I am wistful…
I am the middle of a thought, the beginning long forgotten the end never to be obtained.
I am nothing, yet that is not true, only a partiality of one looming truth that takes unbearable amounts of time to ingest.

The decision has been made, who is the unmaker? Maybe I’m a lonely man… Wistful in the face of oblivion’s aftermath, peaceful between two bull horns striving to begin riving my flesh into pieces as if it were normal. Why does death grip your mind with unquenchable fear? Why do you question me in the most peculiar ways? Do you test my loyalty, test your merit esteemed in my eyes? Everything seems for naught. That I will go out today and come home tomorrow exactly the same person despite my eyes being a little wider and less beguiled by the world. Things come in clearer and clearer –though never will it be a glass pane to me- as I understand what I did not before and I continue to feed my comprehension. Despite this, from understanding I have not yet obtained ample wisdom -which is something I desire-. When it all fades away if I know not what to do with what I know, what is the purpose off knowing it at all?

Trace memories of what once was endures in fading shades of the color that portray the emotion and sensation they once bore, warped by the infallibility of my mind. I fear losing myself so I refuse to be. The paradox of being incapable of losing something you never acquire, but in refusing to gain it you lose so much more than having and losing. That is what I tell myself for I cannot fathom why my function continues to perplex me as my habits continue to dominate. Outside of distraction I feel like a shell with a looming ache deep-set in my core. So many questions refusing to be made known to the world, craving an answer that mere words could never satisfy. Do I lie or exaggerate… probably, but if it is not sharpened into anything less than that I have not yet learned to distinguish. Relinquish?

Here we go again

It’s time to start writing again. Words have lost their grip on me. A rapture that once encased my heart and detailed twinges of surfaces motions has sunk to the depth of my lost treasure box. All the desirable “pleasures” of things I partake of with delight. Not the blighted things that ruin my ease and eat at my being. Not those things that I can easily categorizes as ravenous time eaters, laying waste to my existence. -“In an effort to pass time, I lost too much” is a thought that runs rampant through my head when I take the time away from that which is molding (and laying waste to) my mind. It saddens and pains me that I spend so much of the time stuck in the same rutted routine of living, as if life hasn’t truly started yet and I’m waiting for something to come and happen to jumpstart everything. But what is it that I do in waiting (you may ask) nothing that is in the least satisfactory, in my directionless life. Something has to change or nothing will change. Being no master of fate, the only foreseeable thing to alter is I. Not such an easily obtained prerogative. I have tried so many times with a great rate of failure. It is a bitter grapefruit to my being. (I don’t like sour grapefruits, they displease me)
The main thing I attempt to go against foremost is my lifestyle: sleep habits, hygiene, time spent on mindlessness (computer, TV, other sources of mindless entertainment), being more timely (no more procrastination!), building deeper relationships, stemming off laziness

Leaving without so much as saying a word, without leaving any other means of communications, I find it to be a strange action. Then again I don’t know what to entirely expect for the differences in the ways we spent our most informative years of youth. So strikingly different are the two of us… I don’t profess to understand much of anything anymore. Anything less than the feeling of clay and it bends to my will and hands as I mold it into to shape previously foreign to it. Even that is not truly known to me, as the clay resists every action I force upon it as I attempt to find a common ground of compromise that we will end up on. It is not until I make a superior piece that I realize the flaws in its predecessor. Even then, it is only superior until the next piece. There is so much more I want to know, so much more to know, much more than I could ever know. It is the choice as to what I want to invest the rest of my life into getting to know.

“How do you feel when you can’t feel nothing?”-Crystal Castles. Sometimes I feel so detached from anything more than surface emotions. I seldom pause to question whether this is normal or because of some reluctance to attach to anything that could cause me more harm. I don’t like dwelling in this place of unknowing because it stresses and grieves my senses.



-till next time!
P.S. My goal for this is to write at least once a day, if at all possible until I go on my trip to New Zealand.