Trying to figure out others behaviours

I'm beginning to realise that I've come to a stage in my life where I'm slowly beginning to understand people a little bit more. From this I have found that people are the same, no matter what age they are. They still feel the same pain and hurt causing them to lash out the same ways. As we get older we just get better at hiding the true source of our outbursts. Though I may not adequately be describing this realisation, it has helped me greatly to not get as hurt by people and the offsetting things they do.
Many of the times I perceive someone to be angry at me it is most likely that there is something else going on that I don't know about causing their emotions that also has put a filter over their input and output. Once I get to a place where I can take a step back away from my initial reaction to bite back in an offence to their perceived onslaught I can therefore become capable of seeing them as a person in need. Or at least realise that there is something else going on. Then the choice becomes to ask them about it in hopes of better understanding and possibly helping the person, or to just leave it, but no longer take it personally as you realise that the world doesn't revolve around you therefore you are never the sole source of someone else's irritation.
The ability to irritate someone must have some basis on their own internal functioning. If another person were somehow perfect there would be no way to irritate, or hurt them past physical pain. By irritate I mean the simplest meaning of the word as in annoyance and also another meaning for this: to cause emotional turmoil. What you are doing to the other person may not be right, but if they were a mentally and emotionally healthy person (and again, somehow perfect- without any dysfunction) your actions would be incapable of irritating them. They may cause the other person to take action to better the situation but they wouldn't hold it inside and let it dictate their actions toward irrelevant company in a detrimental manner.
What I'm trying to say is we can never take other peoples actions to heart when they have let something else so focus their attention that it affects their behaviour to everyone else in a bad way, because even though while they are being short and grumpy with you making you feel slighted, annoyed and quite possibly very hurt they have just let some last straw action overtake their demeanour. This final action may possibly have little correlation to the source. Quite possibly some fear or disappointment.
I'll leave this thought at that for now, because it is late and I am tired. Now for a...
Disclaimer: (how I hypocritically dislike disclaimers people put on their work)
This thought/writing may not be very accurate... but I am still trying to decipher the world around me and at the same time learn how to adequately verbalize/write my thoughts in a coherent manner. My hope is that no matter how many times I do less that desirable, (aka don't succeed) I will eventually get to a place where I have developed, tried enough to have a nice success rate. Something along that line...

Photograph

"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."

If I could ascribe some sort of meaning to each object that I own... Some of them would be quite a stretch, some of them wouldn't be stretching in the least. This... This object would stand for __insert person here__. A tangible representation of <'s> concern that I do not have enough. This concern, I fear is just a front. For some things in life <_> would rather not confront. That obtaining more objects lulls <_> into a sense of security. Ownership... Well my sentiment is rather nicely wrapped up and presented by a certain book out there. Although I do not feel quite as caustic and pessimistic about it as the character in the book. This quote shall still serve my purposes well:

"You buy furniture, you tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. buy the sofa, then for a couple of years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled, then the right set of dishes, then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug.
Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things that you used to own, now they own you."

(now to continue with an ambiguous "you" as if I were speaking directly to un-said person)
It keeps going on and on. Continuous findings of a lack in your life that only acquiring and owning new items could fix. Of course you think I share this need for items to satisfy me. But I do not. I would be completely fine with dressing in shambles if that were all that I owned. All these things you find, I fear will some day bury you. Topple over and leave you helpless, as they... Someday reveal their true power, that they have come to own you.

I exaggerate. Driven by this feeling of distaste. That there is issued complaints of a lack of money, yet I see you continuing to spend. There is no rationality. Sure you bargain and "save", but wouldn't the saving be greater if you didn't spend anything at all?
I do appreciate everything you have spent the time to get for me, truly. I just wish there was no leavings of that bitter taste that I must keep in mind of your bad habits. Addiction? The fact of it benefiting me, doesn't make it all that much sweeter. It is perhaps a minor thing, no big deal in all reality. I just see the strain it causes once in a while. Maybe it has just become the final straw of a issue that lays deeper as a hot spring underwater, waiting for the right outlet to let it burst forth.
I wish I could truly dissect the behavior of another. But I fear in truth my assumptions or reasoned attempts at making sense of another person's behavior will never come near the mark of reality.
Though I continue to try, as I continue to try many other pursuits. There is no other way to get better at something but to continue trying past many failed attempts.

I hope

I hope that you do not mistake me for a disheartened, distressed person. It is just that despair --as it turns out-- is a pretty good impetus for writing! The rest of the time I'm in a la-la roll through life mood that doesn't amount to much writing.
Though I would like to get to a stage in life where I have enough... diligence to push myself to write even when I'm not in a bad place. It's good to cultivate oneself as a well rounded person I'd say!

Nightlife?

I’m rather conflicted again. There is this strange achy feeling inside of me. Things are beginning to seem pointless again. I mean I’m halfway across the planet from where I usually am, and nothing is different. I suppose that saying that running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything is quite true. For they mainly stem from yourself and you are always with you at what-ever new place you find yourself. Though I never really thought it wasn’t true. One of the few reasons I was anxious about coming here was that I knew it could easily become a failed attempt to escape. Although a few external causes of strife in my life are no longer part of the equation, but maybe if I had myself sorted out then the external things would have been no trouble at all. Well they’ll be reintegrated into my life again shortly after I return.
So, people care about you. Sure they even, “really” care about you. But how much does that even mean? They can’t stand by you and hold your hand day in and day out. Be there every time you stumble and crumble down. I keep trying to find things to satisfy this hunger inside of me. But nothing is really adequate. Sure I miss my friends. We’ve spent enough time together that we have this easy rapport. It is just plain enjoyable to spend time with them, yet not always. Too much time and someone’s nerve will get grated. That’s fixed easily enough with a little time spent apart, surfacing for a breather. Though there still remains this loneliness, it underlies in my life. Only when I stop to take a moment do I truly recognize it. It is so easy to just shove it under the rug and continue on, fall into a routine that I can fall back on. It makes me want to scream. I feel so apathetic. A cold being that does not feel with any vigor. The life has been drained unceasingly from my pores, until I am a pathetic black and white being.
Each time I’ve been to church lately (and that may have been a couple times this week already) I keep hearing similar messages. It may not actually be entirely what they are saying, but it is how my brain is processing it and relaying that information to me. The first message I remember was to “choose your friends wisely” there are different categories of friends as well: mentors, intimate friends, and then that large group of people you are friendly with. This is not the message that my brain has been pounding me with! But It thought I would throw it in here for good measure. THE MESSAGE: it’s mainly about not relying on the church to be my main time for connecting with God. Well I’ve known this point for ages (years ever), but I’ve never gotten to any good stage of fruition with this feat. I hear talk of cultivating a secret place with God in order to connect with God outside of church. No one ever really explains what the secret place is. I suppose it looks different for each person, because we are all unique beings that require different things to be satisfied by God. Just, couldn’t there be some general outline? Is seems to be a paradox of simplicity and complexity that I cannot figure out. Maybe I’m not even meant to figure it out, just to begin to whole heartedly pursue the one who does have it figured out. There needs to be some breaking point in my life, I’m sure! Sometimes it just feels like the time has come and the time is now to act. It feels so right… so, why can’t that be now? Maybe it isn’t a matter of waiting for the right timing, but to act now and wade through waist deep marsh if need be. To go the distance, whatever it takes.
I still feel like I am waiting. Waiting for life to being, but it has already. Hasn’t it? Doesn’t that mean I’m getting let behind?
Am I but a lonely question written on a piece of parchment trapped in a bottle that nobody will ever find? Just as lost out to sea as the one who wrote me down.

Far off in the distance...

Sometimes reading gets me in this melancholy mood. Though it is not exactly melancholy... Thoughtful somehow. That life is so simple and yet we make it complex, then --like untangling an old necklace-- it is made simple again. But somehow the simplification of life is like an end. Death to purpose, introduction of ritual. Routine that is the mechanical running through of life, until the day you die.

I suppose I get like this once in a while. Sucked into the mechanisms people use to get by, where it ceases to satisfy my mind and being. I am forlorn and lost as I let go of routine to free fall into the unknown. But I have yet to give up truly, there remains that ledge below the known that I grip onto, pull myself back up into standing and remain. Lost. Wanting to let go of everything, but unsure, uncertain, and afraid of what comes next. What doesn't happen as I wait. Till I give up and climb back into my old doings.

I'm vaguely speaking about God and me you see. I get sucked into the worlds way of doing things and it manages to sedate my souls cries for a time being. Until, as with the nature of earthly things, the effectiveness of my temporary fix crumples and deteriorates into dust. I awake as from a stupor to the realization I am stationed here with nothing in my hands, the last of my surroundings blown away making trails in the wind. This fake meaning I stood to shelter behind has me left bare, with no one there. Nothing to show. It is not truly as desperate a situation as this, but I may feel it so. I have not given God my everything, and as a result I have nothing. This leads me on a short lived journey to give it all to him. But I cannot do this on my own, which I inconveniently forget. Else-wise I do remember, but am I to hasty to call my handing over of my giving it all a failure? It seems to confusing. Lets just say I try for a while and then give up when I cannot see results. This is incredibly hastened quite possibly by the fact I am trying not to do something versus the more powerful replacing the [:undesirable action:] with another. My problem therefore becomes, what is the action(s) of which I should replace my current habits?

Out of time

I was thinking --or was it feeling-- I am not yet of the adult world yet I am at the same time. Just as I am no-longer a child, yet some of their rules still apply. In the eyes of others I may never grow out of the roles that I am held into with a fervor. Does it make you feel safe to let me know my place? If that is so, I can concede to your will and peace of mind, except for where it constrains and binds me past my boundaries. So, sometimes I am lumped into consideration with those younger than me while higher expectations of responsibility are placed upon me. These things I understand, eventually the weight of the responses from an individual is removed from the parents to be shouldered by the grown child. (This does not mean there is no room to rely on others.) Yet some things of childhood one never looses, the unknowing uncertainties as to what is right and what is wrong, as you continue disentangling a perceived gray zone into its separate white and black particulates. In some ways we always remain children, small and unknowing. The more the specifics become clear a conclusion is come to that the world is much more larger that that, as if you were focused on clearing a small patch of leaves on the ground only to look up once you are done and realize there is a whole dense forest surrounding you.

Anyway, despite some of the potentially dis-likable portions of childhood remain, some loose the charms of childhood. That beguiling innocence, passion for life, a singular focus on the here and now. The introduction of abstraction --beautiful as it is-- is a double edged sword as it can lead to distraction....

I suppose I may as well come to this. Rules, or something like that.
Here is one: Everything in moderation.
It may be overused by some, but I do think it holds truth to it. Too much of anything but God can lead to destruction. Destruction of what you may ask, well that depends on the thing. In simpler cases too much eating with destroy your health and quite possibly your self image. Too much watching of television and other sources of mindless entertainment eats away the hours and your mind... and so forth.