Nightlife?

I’m rather conflicted again. There is this strange achy feeling inside of me. Things are beginning to seem pointless again. I mean I’m halfway across the planet from where I usually am, and nothing is different. I suppose that saying that running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything is quite true. For they mainly stem from yourself and you are always with you at what-ever new place you find yourself. Though I never really thought it wasn’t true. One of the few reasons I was anxious about coming here was that I knew it could easily become a failed attempt to escape. Although a few external causes of strife in my life are no longer part of the equation, but maybe if I had myself sorted out then the external things would have been no trouble at all. Well they’ll be reintegrated into my life again shortly after I return.
So, people care about you. Sure they even, “really” care about you. But how much does that even mean? They can’t stand by you and hold your hand day in and day out. Be there every time you stumble and crumble down. I keep trying to find things to satisfy this hunger inside of me. But nothing is really adequate. Sure I miss my friends. We’ve spent enough time together that we have this easy rapport. It is just plain enjoyable to spend time with them, yet not always. Too much time and someone’s nerve will get grated. That’s fixed easily enough with a little time spent apart, surfacing for a breather. Though there still remains this loneliness, it underlies in my life. Only when I stop to take a moment do I truly recognize it. It is so easy to just shove it under the rug and continue on, fall into a routine that I can fall back on. It makes me want to scream. I feel so apathetic. A cold being that does not feel with any vigor. The life has been drained unceasingly from my pores, until I am a pathetic black and white being.
Each time I’ve been to church lately (and that may have been a couple times this week already) I keep hearing similar messages. It may not actually be entirely what they are saying, but it is how my brain is processing it and relaying that information to me. The first message I remember was to “choose your friends wisely” there are different categories of friends as well: mentors, intimate friends, and then that large group of people you are friendly with. This is not the message that my brain has been pounding me with! But It thought I would throw it in here for good measure. THE MESSAGE: it’s mainly about not relying on the church to be my main time for connecting with God. Well I’ve known this point for ages (years ever), but I’ve never gotten to any good stage of fruition with this feat. I hear talk of cultivating a secret place with God in order to connect with God outside of church. No one ever really explains what the secret place is. I suppose it looks different for each person, because we are all unique beings that require different things to be satisfied by God. Just, couldn’t there be some general outline? Is seems to be a paradox of simplicity and complexity that I cannot figure out. Maybe I’m not even meant to figure it out, just to begin to whole heartedly pursue the one who does have it figured out. There needs to be some breaking point in my life, I’m sure! Sometimes it just feels like the time has come and the time is now to act. It feels so right… so, why can’t that be now? Maybe it isn’t a matter of waiting for the right timing, but to act now and wade through waist deep marsh if need be. To go the distance, whatever it takes.
I still feel like I am waiting. Waiting for life to being, but it has already. Hasn’t it? Doesn’t that mean I’m getting let behind?
Am I but a lonely question written on a piece of parchment trapped in a bottle that nobody will ever find? Just as lost out to sea as the one who wrote me down.