Not Sure

I fear/anticipate
Change is coming again and I don't know where it will lead this time, if I will make the right choices... But I know any choices I make can be altered/transitioned for better purposes even if they are in the guise of bad. Is it the time for grasping at straws again? Trying to find a place to settle into. I hope my home will be a nice one. The last one was enjoyable... Transitory flights between the then and now. Or is it only the now? The present is much better shared than hoarded by any one individual. Floating down the river deNile... I will give in and flux at one point or another. Transfigure into a phoenix of sorts. Do you fully comprehend how alone the phoenix is? Living on through the ages leaving and forgetting anyone and everyone he ever loved to renew into the exact same sort of fiery combustion. He isn't really being reborn, living the same life at a different time. Re-enacting his greatest achievement and tragedy all in one impulsive reaction. But that is too forgotten. Not a fully formed issue. We will get through this together. Just name the time and place... I may be there. If there is a care. I give up ten times too many but then I try again 9 more times. One is lost. I try not to bemoan that instance to much. But I can't but help question what-if's that raise hell in my brain. Then again if I had not tried in the first place giving up would not be an option for there would be a lack of things to give up on. Failing to try is a worse fate than failing after trying. Something is gained in the failing, nothing is gained by hiding but the increasing hunger and weakening of will.

Thoughts on attraction

Liking people always seems to be such a frustrating pursuit for me. I don't ever want to make a grand leap of faith unless I have evidence that they share in the emotion and are tracking with me. But most of the time I am clueless and talk myself out of the situation picking on some "major flaw" as to why we wouldn't work out together. When I can't find one of those (but usually step one works) I move onto step two. The psych-out. Social media sites don't help one bit, they really just make me feel shitty and undesired. I mean I put out all this effort to spend time with you and you don't respond then I see that you've been out having your own fun. But this is just me being a drama-bat. Bluh... I mean I don't have to be the center of your life it is just frustrating that we can't slip into place and being like something that is easy. This is just all the spiraling down to me giving up. I mean if you really did want to be with me wouldn't you put in some more effort? It is so much fun when we hang out, I know you enjoy my company. But it is probably just... not in the way I would like. "Always going in opposite directions" but who can fully know and understand the minds and hearts of others?
I don't want to settle in life, there are people I can tell who like me... and sure I may enjoy spending time with those people but its just not the right fit. Never the right fit. I suppose it takes time to find that right person. But I hold so many frustrations in the meantime. It tugs at my emotions so much, I don't understand why. If I could be cold an callous it would almost be a desirable thing. But, no. I accept my emotional self. Emotion is not the enemy just the overbearing swells that come to knock me down. If I could stand triumphant I would. Instead of faltering at every step while I say I give up, it takes many stages in the spiral down to the full release. Stuttering shift down until I can dig my way out to the fresh air again. Until the spiral again. Why can't I like you when you like me. Or why can't you like me when I like you. Why is it never 1+1=2 ? There is just too many other variables that don't equate for us to figure out this problem together.

यू Trickster

I'm trying to start a band.
I've always wanted to be in a band, but have thought myself not talented enough. But why not! So... It's hard to actually find a few committed people. I still have hope though. So far I've just set up jam sesh dates. And we'll go from there! Well my hope are, hopeful. That's all I've got at the moment. Also I've been trying to buy a banjo, but it's hard to find the right one also... poppy!

I also want to make a super cool name for the band
what's in a name!
Well... you know a rose called by any-other name would smell just as sweet ;)
It's difficult finding something with meaning. That too shall come I suppose. :)

Today

I saw a spoken word thing, by project voice.
It made me not want to cry. Not necessarily for the content. But the mere existence. I have written poetry, I have read poetry. But I have not written poetry to be read. It is an entirely different experience. Body motions connect a whole other layer to an already rich content. Articulations and gesticulations carve out harmonious synchronized patterns on a stage.
Anyway, I'm just running away with myself a little here. You've got to try things even if you're not good at them yet. How else do you get better but with practice?

I think I want to have a poem that is meant to be spoken. It would be awesome. Well the first one wouldn't be awesome, maybe not even the next. But eventually it would be awesome!

setting some goals

What does one write when there is no overwhelming emotion?
When used just as an outlet and the intake ceases the outcome is nothing... well nothing interesting.

Okay!
So I am going to set some goals. In order to become more well rounded by means of exercising more,writing more,reading less fluff...

I want to provoke my mind into thought where the fluff just collects in my head laying my ambitions to rest in an early grave.

It also feels much better when I am creating things myself.

Goal:
1.) Write more poetry
2.) Read thought provoking stuff [including the bible]
3.) No more procrastination
4.) Way less on the fluff (t.v., movies, fantasy novels, manga) intake.
5.) Exercise
6.) Stop holing myself up in my room

That is all for now

Reflecting on the Holidays

So… These three months have been a pretty interesting experience. I enjoyed myself most of the time and I stretched a lot of my boundaries. But the stretching of my boundaries in some areas may have not been the best thing. In others I believe it is good. As with most times in life, I am different now but entirely still the same. I took risks, not necessarily the safest thing to do. Regardless I trusted God would keep me safe. Met up with people I hadn’t met before, had fun, took terribly long bus rides, went to school with Sue and so on. I really did enjoy getting to know my cousins again and meet ones I didn’t know I had. Though most of them were younger than me so there was only a certain extent we could connect on, being that my focuses in life have been irrevocably changed from that of a 12 year old. Seven years make a world of a difference when your younger than 20. It’s fascinating the stages of development and human interaction we humans go through.
Movies emotionally disturb me sometimes. I just don’t like to watch people in misery, it’s painful!

People definitely influence my decisions… If I weren’t around so many people saying that it is okay then I probably wouldn’t have caved so quickly on my convictions. I remember they were previously so strong. It makes me doubt myself, will I fall short of my current standards rules of living? But I remember I held doubt on my previous convictions before I changed them, my current ones I do not. Does that make sense? Probably not. I am intentionally vague. My goal is to make you unknowing of what I am exactly talking about with that hope that this abstraction connects somewhere to an aspect of your life. I seek to find knowledge and understanding above all. This takes time and experience. I have experienced more than before but never everything. Never everything, indeed.

Trying to figure out others behaviours

I'm beginning to realise that I've come to a stage in my life where I'm slowly beginning to understand people a little bit more. From this I have found that people are the same, no matter what age they are. They still feel the same pain and hurt causing them to lash out the same ways. As we get older we just get better at hiding the true source of our outbursts. Though I may not adequately be describing this realisation, it has helped me greatly to not get as hurt by people and the offsetting things they do.
Many of the times I perceive someone to be angry at me it is most likely that there is something else going on that I don't know about causing their emotions that also has put a filter over their input and output. Once I get to a place where I can take a step back away from my initial reaction to bite back in an offence to their perceived onslaught I can therefore become capable of seeing them as a person in need. Or at least realise that there is something else going on. Then the choice becomes to ask them about it in hopes of better understanding and possibly helping the person, or to just leave it, but no longer take it personally as you realise that the world doesn't revolve around you therefore you are never the sole source of someone else's irritation.
The ability to irritate someone must have some basis on their own internal functioning. If another person were somehow perfect there would be no way to irritate, or hurt them past physical pain. By irritate I mean the simplest meaning of the word as in annoyance and also another meaning for this: to cause emotional turmoil. What you are doing to the other person may not be right, but if they were a mentally and emotionally healthy person (and again, somehow perfect- without any dysfunction) your actions would be incapable of irritating them. They may cause the other person to take action to better the situation but they wouldn't hold it inside and let it dictate their actions toward irrelevant company in a detrimental manner.
What I'm trying to say is we can never take other peoples actions to heart when they have let something else so focus their attention that it affects their behaviour to everyone else in a bad way, because even though while they are being short and grumpy with you making you feel slighted, annoyed and quite possibly very hurt they have just let some last straw action overtake their demeanour. This final action may possibly have little correlation to the source. Quite possibly some fear or disappointment.
I'll leave this thought at that for now, because it is late and I am tired. Now for a...
Disclaimer: (how I hypocritically dislike disclaimers people put on their work)
This thought/writing may not be very accurate... but I am still trying to decipher the world around me and at the same time learn how to adequately verbalize/write my thoughts in a coherent manner. My hope is that no matter how many times I do less that desirable, (aka don't succeed) I will eventually get to a place where I have developed, tried enough to have a nice success rate. Something along that line...