Not Sure

I fear/anticipate
Change is coming again and I don't know where it will lead this time, if I will make the right choices... But I know any choices I make can be altered/transitioned for better purposes even if they are in the guise of bad. Is it the time for grasping at straws again? Trying to find a place to settle into. I hope my home will be a nice one. The last one was enjoyable... Transitory flights between the then and now. Or is it only the now? The present is much better shared than hoarded by any one individual. Floating down the river deNile... I will give in and flux at one point or another. Transfigure into a phoenix of sorts. Do you fully comprehend how alone the phoenix is? Living on through the ages leaving and forgetting anyone and everyone he ever loved to renew into the exact same sort of fiery combustion. He isn't really being reborn, living the same life at a different time. Re-enacting his greatest achievement and tragedy all in one impulsive reaction. But that is too forgotten. Not a fully formed issue. We will get through this together. Just name the time and place... I may be there. If there is a care. I give up ten times too many but then I try again 9 more times. One is lost. I try not to bemoan that instance to much. But I can't but help question what-if's that raise hell in my brain. Then again if I had not tried in the first place giving up would not be an option for there would be a lack of things to give up on. Failing to try is a worse fate than failing after trying. Something is gained in the failing, nothing is gained by hiding but the increasing hunger and weakening of will.

Thoughts on attraction

Liking people always seems to be such a frustrating pursuit for me. I don't ever want to make a grand leap of faith unless I have evidence that they share in the emotion and are tracking with me. But most of the time I am clueless and talk myself out of the situation picking on some "major flaw" as to why we wouldn't work out together. When I can't find one of those (but usually step one works) I move onto step two. The psych-out. Social media sites don't help one bit, they really just make me feel shitty and undesired. I mean I put out all this effort to spend time with you and you don't respond then I see that you've been out having your own fun. But this is just me being a drama-bat. Bluh... I mean I don't have to be the center of your life it is just frustrating that we can't slip into place and being like something that is easy. This is just all the spiraling down to me giving up. I mean if you really did want to be with me wouldn't you put in some more effort? It is so much fun when we hang out, I know you enjoy my company. But it is probably just... not in the way I would like. "Always going in opposite directions" but who can fully know and understand the minds and hearts of others?
I don't want to settle in life, there are people I can tell who like me... and sure I may enjoy spending time with those people but its just not the right fit. Never the right fit. I suppose it takes time to find that right person. But I hold so many frustrations in the meantime. It tugs at my emotions so much, I don't understand why. If I could be cold an callous it would almost be a desirable thing. But, no. I accept my emotional self. Emotion is not the enemy just the overbearing swells that come to knock me down. If I could stand triumphant I would. Instead of faltering at every step while I say I give up, it takes many stages in the spiral down to the full release. Stuttering shift down until I can dig my way out to the fresh air again. Until the spiral again. Why can't I like you when you like me. Or why can't you like me when I like you. Why is it never 1+1=2 ? There is just too many other variables that don't equate for us to figure out this problem together.

यू Trickster

I'm trying to start a band.
I've always wanted to be in a band, but have thought myself not talented enough. But why not! So... It's hard to actually find a few committed people. I still have hope though. So far I've just set up jam sesh dates. And we'll go from there! Well my hope are, hopeful. That's all I've got at the moment. Also I've been trying to buy a banjo, but it's hard to find the right one also... poppy!

I also want to make a super cool name for the band
what's in a name!
Well... you know a rose called by any-other name would smell just as sweet ;)
It's difficult finding something with meaning. That too shall come I suppose. :)

Today

I saw a spoken word thing, by project voice.
It made me not want to cry. Not necessarily for the content. But the mere existence. I have written poetry, I have read poetry. But I have not written poetry to be read. It is an entirely different experience. Body motions connect a whole other layer to an already rich content. Articulations and gesticulations carve out harmonious synchronized patterns on a stage.
Anyway, I'm just running away with myself a little here. You've got to try things even if you're not good at them yet. How else do you get better but with practice?

I think I want to have a poem that is meant to be spoken. It would be awesome. Well the first one wouldn't be awesome, maybe not even the next. But eventually it would be awesome!