Just breathing, not sighing

"Maybe I am just a few years too young, waiting for a future yet to come"

I clearly cannot communicate as well as I had hoped. Well, at least when what I deem my clear communications are not nearly as effective as I had hoped. The question is, can the second party understand that my reaction... Well can they see past the little thing that made me react and realise it goes a little deeper than that?
Perhaps I am not clear with boundaries that would have prevented such a situation. But what can I do? I feel like while you (dearly beloved anonymous you) gets to be upset, react badly, viciously -not quite so much vicious as self protective like a porcupine extending its quills to protect itself from an estimated threat-, and I am to forgive and forget willingly without the same courtesy extended toward myself.
Perhaps this is all just self defeating talk. I have rarely seen the occasion to loose control that I visibly cause harm to allow you the chance to treat me graciously too. Or all the times I have undoubtedly hurt you without any intention or knowledge.
It is just supremely frustrating. I throw a bit of cake at you out of frustration and you run away. No opportunity for reconciliation, I decided to stop chasing you long ago. It is too hard. Am I harsh? I do not know. But I am not God, and he is undoubtedly the only one who can chase us for as long as necessary without tiring.
Maybe I need to go to communication school. Ha!
Well what people keep saying is phrase it all about yourself, putting no blame on the other person. When you ____ I feel____ because I am _____. Something like that?

Anyway, goodnight. :o rawr. I'll be a lion tomorrow, just don't worry about it.

Rambling a little

I will soon experience three months without a phone
Two months without the family I have lived with the last 18 soon to be 19 years
Three months with the family I spent 7 years of my life local too
Away from all these blossoming connections I see around me
But then that may be my imagination
Things are often good at the beginning
The "honey-moon" stage of any situation then reality sets in and effort, determination, work... is required
Its not just simple cruising, (that ellusive it) becomes explicit choosing

I dislike following trends, but some cannot be helped
like the saying of "just do it" like those nike shoes
~on a tangent, what is with how things are named everwhere? Brand names that express power mustang, nike (a god), saturn... and so forth. But then that is only some areas.~
So! Back to the main point (of this current paragraph I suppose)
Point:
Whether you have the determination to power it. Some sort of inspiration to get you by or you are waiting filled with excuses as to justify your in-action. Do the things you like anyway! By these things... I mean whatever you have found to fill you with that feeling of purpose, whether it be trailing your paint brush across a canvas, knees to the ground as you see to your plants or running. Do those things. Even when it isn't easy, even when you feel like crap, even when your at the top of the world feeling no need for validation. I like to have my own addition, of "no regrets" to the "just do it." You are far more likely to regret what you don't do than what you do end up doing. Being honest with yourself and others it makes things much easier. Though I still constantly test the unclear waters of moderation. Limitations and limits that make me uncertain as to the questions of proceeding...

I am still here.

Questions of who I am to be, not really... I don't know.
Realizations of parallels between my life and those around me, we feel the same irrational fear.
The decision to invest in the vibrancy of life and the difficulties of truly getting to that end.
Past apathy that swamps my being.
Desire to do with nothing to hold onto, sinking.
Can getting away fix anything?

Nighttime is my friend, in the silence of seclusion I find myself.
The television blares its insescent noise that demands my ears.
People flare around me demanding my eyes.
My mind preoccupies with nothing in particular.
Daylight puts my mind on edge.
All the untruths and anomalies blur together and are easily gone over in the dark of night.

Some people make me stand off. Some sort of fear of rejection comes into play that makes me step away. If I don't try to be their friend and act on this highly imaginary mutual agreement to not try to know each other as we simply coexist it wont bother me that you already care more about them. That I am an unimportant afterthought in your alltime lifetime. I feel the need to explain away this possibly imagined behavior... Stupid. There is this need to feel important, at the center of something. That I was made for my yet undiscovered greatness. Someday It will come to me in a snap... I believe it must take preparation, before it comes upon you. If you are not ready for a small task how can you be anymore ready for a large task?

Now I feel like I am somewhat rambling...
It is bothersome how you can learn something that just fits to whatever moment you are going through and then you try to explain it to someone else, and it just fails to come out right like it isn't yours to give away so you cannot. But then how do you make someone else's revelation your own? Truly come to that conclusion in your own unclean wanderings and ponderings? Some sort of "meditation" on their information? What if it isn't as real as you first thought it was? Maybe pondering on it will give you the truth of the matter, finding flaws and taking the time to refine the information so you can mold it to your being...

-breathe-

-fewwwfff-

okay.

Offense or hurt, unforgiveness makes it hard to act without prejudice to people. I realise this now, that I still hold things against you (ambiguous you not specific). It makes me take a step back, helps some things come more clearly to me. But it also adds an edge of a tone on my actions. I can't help but poke at you, put you down in hopes that it will validate my on looking down upon you. Because I want to see you as less than me because it makes whatever you did wrong to me less... Something.

Gah.
Calling it quits now.