I am still here.

Questions of who I am to be, not really... I don't know.
Realizations of parallels between my life and those around me, we feel the same irrational fear.
The decision to invest in the vibrancy of life and the difficulties of truly getting to that end.
Past apathy that swamps my being.
Desire to do with nothing to hold onto, sinking.
Can getting away fix anything?

Nighttime is my friend, in the silence of seclusion I find myself.
The television blares its insescent noise that demands my ears.
People flare around me demanding my eyes.
My mind preoccupies with nothing in particular.
Daylight puts my mind on edge.
All the untruths and anomalies blur together and are easily gone over in the dark of night.

Some people make me stand off. Some sort of fear of rejection comes into play that makes me step away. If I don't try to be their friend and act on this highly imaginary mutual agreement to not try to know each other as we simply coexist it wont bother me that you already care more about them. That I am an unimportant afterthought in your alltime lifetime. I feel the need to explain away this possibly imagined behavior... Stupid. There is this need to feel important, at the center of something. That I was made for my yet undiscovered greatness. Someday It will come to me in a snap... I believe it must take preparation, before it comes upon you. If you are not ready for a small task how can you be anymore ready for a large task?

Now I feel like I am somewhat rambling...
It is bothersome how you can learn something that just fits to whatever moment you are going through and then you try to explain it to someone else, and it just fails to come out right like it isn't yours to give away so you cannot. But then how do you make someone else's revelation your own? Truly come to that conclusion in your own unclean wanderings and ponderings? Some sort of "meditation" on their information? What if it isn't as real as you first thought it was? Maybe pondering on it will give you the truth of the matter, finding flaws and taking the time to refine the information so you can mold it to your being...

-breathe-

-fewwwfff-

okay.

Offense or hurt, unforgiveness makes it hard to act without prejudice to people. I realise this now, that I still hold things against you (ambiguous you not specific). It makes me take a step back, helps some things come more clearly to me. But it also adds an edge of a tone on my actions. I can't help but poke at you, put you down in hopes that it will validate my on looking down upon you. Because I want to see you as less than me because it makes whatever you did wrong to me less... Something.

Gah.
Calling it quits now.