Sometimes reading gets me in this melancholy mood. Though it is not exactly melancholy... Thoughtful somehow. That life is so simple and yet we make it complex, then --like untangling an old necklace-- it is made simple again. But somehow the simplification of life is like an end. Death to purpose, introduction of ritual. Routine that is the mechanical running through of life, until the day you die.
I suppose I get like this once in a while. Sucked into the mechanisms people use to get by, where it ceases to satisfy my mind and being. I am forlorn and lost as I let go of routine to free fall into the unknown. But I have yet to give up truly, there remains that ledge below the known that I grip onto, pull myself back up into standing and remain. Lost. Wanting to let go of everything, but unsure, uncertain, and afraid of what comes next. What doesn't happen as I wait. Till I give up and climb back into my old doings.
I'm vaguely speaking about God and me you see. I get sucked into the worlds way of doing things and it manages to sedate my souls cries for a time being. Until, as with the nature of earthly things, the effectiveness of my temporary fix crumples and deteriorates into dust. I awake as from a stupor to the realization I am stationed here with nothing in my hands, the last of my surroundings blown away making trails in the wind. This fake meaning I stood to shelter behind has me left bare, with no one there. Nothing to show. It is not truly as desperate a situation as this, but I may feel it so. I have not given God my everything, and as a result I have nothing. This leads me on a short lived journey to give it all to him. But I cannot do this on my own, which I inconveniently forget. Else-wise I do remember, but am I to hasty to call my handing over of my giving it all a failure? It seems to confusing. Lets just say I try for a while and then give up when I cannot see results. This is incredibly hastened quite possibly by the fact I am trying not to do something versus the more powerful replacing the [:undesirable action:] with another. My problem therefore becomes, what is the action(s) of which I should replace my current habits?
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